My heart will go on, even if it needs crutches and a bandage
I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships, partners, loneliness and marriage. It seems to me that as a female that you spend a good portion of your life seeking after this, partner or person that you are meant to be with. Maybe guys are the same or similar but I cannot speak to that.
I have seen it with my own girls, every one of them at about 3-4 thought that they would marry their Dad or Uncle. Then they start chasing boys at recess which leads to having a crush. Then there is middle school and high school where you are seeking after a relationship because you want someone to like you and think you are pretty.
It has always felt to me like college is then where you are supposed to find your person. And that is how it worked out for me. I found Justin at college and we got married three weeks after we graduated from college at the ripe old age of 22.
But as I pondered all of this I just came up with questions. What about people who don't find a person? Are those people meant to be alone? Do some people want to be alone? (That is a thought I cannot fathom.) What about people who find love and lose it through a death or other loss? And there are also people who find it but give up on it or can't make it work.
I mean living with another human being is not easy. People are generally gross, selfish and irritating. I am including myself in this description. People are quirky and weird and have their things. They come with baggage and issues and sometimes living with them isn't fun. But I would definitely take some weird, quirky and even gross over not having my person.
And back to the seeming constant human drive to find a partner, isn't this also nature and even biblical? Don't even animals need a partner? Didn't God make woman as a partner to man because it wasn't good for him to be alone? I know it isn't good for me to be alone.
I am not sure this particular writing of mine is going to have a point or solve anything magical. I feel like in this I have more questions than answers. But I am learning that it is okay to have questions that don't have answers.
Why am I alone? When will I feel like I am not still married? When will it feel okay to take my wedding ring off? When will I want to consider another relationship? I can tell you today is not any of those days.
I have struggled so much the last week plus with just feeling so lonely. I have struggled with wanting a partner. I have asked God if I will be alone until I die? I have wondered if there is a person out there who can fill my big list of needs. How will I find this person? What will they be like? And you know what, all of this is okay. I don't feel bad for being alone, or bad for asking questions. I bet there are a lot of people out there who think and feel the same things.
My heart didn't die this past summer but it did get wounded, and broken. I know that there can be a future and maybe a someone. And I don't have any clue when or how. I know that it is okay for me to think that guy with the blue eyes is really cute. And if there is one bonus to being single again at 41 it is that I can have crushes and they are silly and ridiculous but fun. I also think it is okay to take my wedding ring off but I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. Taking my ring off doesn't signify that I am back on the market. If I take my ring off it will be because I am accepting that I am not married, and that I am moving forward into what and who I am now.
And I can ask all of these questions and wonder and imagine and all of that with that knowledge that my God is so big and he can handle questions. I can ask and think and hurt, knowing that God gives me hope for the future.
I have seen it with my own girls, every one of them at about 3-4 thought that they would marry their Dad or Uncle. Then they start chasing boys at recess which leads to having a crush. Then there is middle school and high school where you are seeking after a relationship because you want someone to like you and think you are pretty.
It has always felt to me like college is then where you are supposed to find your person. And that is how it worked out for me. I found Justin at college and we got married three weeks after we graduated from college at the ripe old age of 22.
But as I pondered all of this I just came up with questions. What about people who don't find a person? Are those people meant to be alone? Do some people want to be alone? (That is a thought I cannot fathom.) What about people who find love and lose it through a death or other loss? And there are also people who find it but give up on it or can't make it work.
I mean living with another human being is not easy. People are generally gross, selfish and irritating. I am including myself in this description. People are quirky and weird and have their things. They come with baggage and issues and sometimes living with them isn't fun. But I would definitely take some weird, quirky and even gross over not having my person.
And back to the seeming constant human drive to find a partner, isn't this also nature and even biblical? Don't even animals need a partner? Didn't God make woman as a partner to man because it wasn't good for him to be alone? I know it isn't good for me to be alone.
I am not sure this particular writing of mine is going to have a point or solve anything magical. I feel like in this I have more questions than answers. But I am learning that it is okay to have questions that don't have answers.
Why am I alone? When will I feel like I am not still married? When will it feel okay to take my wedding ring off? When will I want to consider another relationship? I can tell you today is not any of those days.
I have struggled so much the last week plus with just feeling so lonely. I have struggled with wanting a partner. I have asked God if I will be alone until I die? I have wondered if there is a person out there who can fill my big list of needs. How will I find this person? What will they be like? And you know what, all of this is okay. I don't feel bad for being alone, or bad for asking questions. I bet there are a lot of people out there who think and feel the same things.
My heart didn't die this past summer but it did get wounded, and broken. I know that there can be a future and maybe a someone. And I don't have any clue when or how. I know that it is okay for me to think that guy with the blue eyes is really cute. And if there is one bonus to being single again at 41 it is that I can have crushes and they are silly and ridiculous but fun. I also think it is okay to take my wedding ring off but I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. Taking my ring off doesn't signify that I am back on the market. If I take my ring off it will be because I am accepting that I am not married, and that I am moving forward into what and who I am now.
And I can ask all of these questions and wonder and imagine and all of that with that knowledge that my God is so big and he can handle questions. I can ask and think and hurt, knowing that God gives me hope for the future.
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