Grief and Valentine's Day

I wrote this once yesterday and it disappeared into the bermuda triangle. So, take two, a little bit different this time.

21 years ago today, Justin Leighty and I admitted to each other that we weren't just friends and that we liked each other. We officially started dating on valentine's day in 1997. I know, so cliche. We had been spending a lot of time together and it just so happened we were hanging out on valentine's day. Something about this motivated us and we finally got around to talking about we were both thinking.  We both like each other a lot. Something I had known on my part for almost two months.

By Spaghetti Toes.

But, I have never been a big fan of this day. It has always seemed odd to me that we need a day to tell our loved ones that we love them? So, I was totally shocked last night when I walked into the grocery store only to feel like I had been punched in the gut by the balloons, flowers, candy and men there picking out the things. I was seriously about to just burst into tears in the entryway. I thought really, Crystal, come on, it's just valentine's day.

Maybe I have never really cared before because I had a valentine. I had someone to go to dinner with and exchange cards with. I had the love of my life and I didn't feel any twangs of jealously towards the other people who had someone to celebrate love with. Or, maybe I am just overly emotional this week, I did cry in the eye drop aisle at the store on Saturday, about prescriptions. So, there's that.

There are days where all of this feels so huge. Like rolling waves that keep crashing over my head and keeping me under the water so I can't breathe. Like I am drowning and monkeys dressed as lifeguards are throwing me anvils. Grief is this huge heavy burden and on certain days or weeks it is overwhelming. So overwhelming that I feel like I am doing good just getting out of bed in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other. Some days it is like autopilot, so I am doing what I am supposed to do but my head and my heart are not in it.  I am lucky to remember people's names on these days. I am lucky to not lose my patience badly with my kids, on these days.

It's almost like this pick, pick in the back of your brain or heart or something. And you can't quite put your finger on what is wrong or off. Just one more thing about grief. Some days I feel great, almost "normal". And some days there is not one thing that feels normal and crying happens at the drop of the hat. And grieving isn't just about one thing it is layers. I grieve for losing my love. I grieve for the life that we had and I grieve for the life I thought we would have later. I grieve for my kids that they have lost their Dad and have to wonder what would happen to them if I died. I grieve for everything we lost that day. I grieve for the ease that I had before that I didn't appreciate, and for losing my partner to help with children and life. I grieve having an adult in the house to talk to. I grieve for those two kids 21 years ago who knew nothing and had nothing, but held on to each other.

But today was actually an okay day. I literally drug myself out of bed this morning. Then, as I was pulling out of my driveway I saw a card on my front step. I got out and found that someone so compassionate and caring had left me a card because they thought I might struggle today. Which is crazy cause I didn't really know I was going to struggle today. And a lady I work with, who is also a widow, wrote me and told me that she avoids the grocery stores around valentine's day because she cannot deal with the explosion of hearts, flowers, and balloons. It wasn't just me. This is a thing. And I laughed and talked with co-workers and am appreciative again of the gift that is this job at Grace and these amazing, loving and fantastic people that I get to work with.

I will forever be thankful for that day 21 years ago when Justin Leighty became my boyfriend. He was the best valentine ever, just because he loved me.