Why is today so hard?

I do not honestly know which of many reasons I am crying tonight.

There are ups and downs in this grief process. Sometimes on the up side, things feel somewhat normal, when we are keeping busy, having a fairly good time and figuring it out. Or, the down side  where it feels like the sky is falling. On the down side, everything feels hard; making dinner, parenting, getting out of bed, paying bills, and making decisions on my own. I have been on the down side this week. 

One of my children is really struggling at school. And since everything feels hard this week, parenting at this level is sooo hard. I didn't know if the issue is about grieving or about being in middle school or just about being her. And to top it off she was not being truthful with me about what was going on because she didn't want me to be upset or mad at her. And this is big stuff, the kind of stuff I want to talk to Justin about. And as if parenting isn't hard enough, but parenting teenage girls with hormones, middle school and grief ugh. 

There have been a lot of triggers the last couple of days for me. Last night we were watching a show on tv and on the show the the guy's fiancé dies. Before she dies, she sends him a video of her saying her wedding vows because she knew she would die before they got married. And it was over... tears, sobbing, the whole works. 

First of all, wedding vows just send me straight over the edge. I, Crystal take you Justin to be my lawfully wedded husband. For richer or poorer. In sickness and health. To love and to cherish till death parts us. All of us that are married say this... but do we even think about what we are saying or realize that it will happen? And you're like yeah, richer or poorer, check, sickness and health, check but the last one... of course until death parts us. I have never thought about or imagined myself married to anyone else. Well, except maybe the guy who plays the lead on Peaky Blinders. That Irish accent though. 

Second, I have this wish, that I have never said out loud. I wish that he had written me a note or left a video or something. And I would find it... I have imagined in my head things he would have written. I have imagined the things I need it to say. It is maybe in his computer or his desk or maybe he thought about me one day and wrote something on a piece of paper somewhere. He would tell me that he loves me and how amazing he thinks I am as a mother. He would tell me how even though I doubt myself sometimes he never did. I know all of these things but I want to find this secret message that tells me all the things he needed me to know after he was gone. 

The other thing that got me today was I realized during a conversation at lunch today that I couldn't remember what his voice sounds like. I don't remember what he sounded like when he was upset with me or when he would "explain" things to me. I remember it making me crazy, like lose my mind all over him crazy. But I cannot remember what he sounded like. How can this be? It has only been six months. Is it selective? Do I not have a good memory for the sound of someone's voice. So, I was on a search tonight to find anything that had his voice on it. It was hard to listen to, so I am crying again. It also made me realize that some of the bad stuff you let go of more easily than the good. Like in an instant I can remember his smile but I can't remember how I used to mimic his voice when I was being him during an argument. 

The thing about grieving is there is no wrong or right way to do it. And since we are all different people we all do it differently. The other thing I have realized is you cannot fix it and you cannot get over it. You can do all the right things which could include counseling, talking about it, writing about it, remember the things and doing the hard stuff. But even when you do, some days will just be hard. Some things will just be painful and some times it will feel like there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel. Those days you just have to hold on because it will swing back around to a day that you can do it. There will be days where it doesn't feel so hard to do anything.  But through it all I know that I can do it with strength that comes not from myself. And also with an awesome sense of humor. 

Mary Engelbreit gets me.