I get knocked down, but I get up again.

When Justin died on June 27, 2017, my world imploded. I thought how did this happen? How is this my life? How do I move forward from here? I went through most normal reactions in grief.  I was mad at him briefly for not wearing a seat belt and not being more careful while he drove a very large semi truck full of wheat to the grain elevator in Kansas.

But though I was distraught, I was never upset with God. I never felt like God was punishing me or trying me. I did and still do believe that God allowed this to happen and that he will use it for his good and mine as we move forward.

The one thing I did struggle with was feeling like the more I leaned into God and trusted him to carry us through this, the more the devil chased my tail. My husband died and I trusted God to help us through it. Then my Grandma died and I trusted God to get us through it. Then I found out I had melanoma and I trusted God to get me through it.  The more I leaned, the more I was pushed. I got a bit of a Job complex. This is when I really began to dive into the scriptures for guidance, for direction and for purpose.

At this super low point, I really started to ask why. Why was I left to raise these three girls alone? Why did my Grandma have to pass in the very depths of my grieving for Justin? And why after everything we were already going through would I also have melanoma? Would this take me and would my children be left without their parents? Hadn't they been through enough? Hadn't I? We were battered and bruised but not broken.

You see, here is the cool part about finding out I had melanoma, you know, as cool as that could be. I had no reason to get checked by a dermatologist, outside of my skin type and some family history. I simply had this thought the day after Justin died, that I should go to the dermatologist and just make sure I am good. I believe firmly that this was God whispering in my ear.

Between the day I found out I had it, and the day I found out it was gone, was a total of two weeks and one day. I am telling you, I have never in my life experienced anything like that. I literally feel like God picked me up and carried me through those 15 days. Because not only had my husband been dead for only five weeks, but my 6 year old was in the midst of major separation anxiety. She was terrified that I was going to go away and leave her too. And so was I. So, on top of my piles of grief and stress, I hid this from my children. And God took care of that too. They didn't ask a single question. They didn't ask why does a plastic surgeon have to remove your mole? They didn't ask where are you going today and why are you shipping us off to friend's houses? They didn't ask why do you have giant scars that are purple on your neck.

And on top of my grief and my children's grief, and my fear, I was working and pretending to do life. Like I was paying bills, and getting a trust set up, and changing accounts, and figuring out how to get into all of our online accounts, and setting up a new health savings, and so many things. I seriously don't even know. It was a blur.

I cling to the hope that God saved me from that so that I could be here for the girls. And I believe that God saved me so that I could tell everyone about his love and his provision and his comforting hand.

One of these nights when I was waiting to find out if the cancer was gone, Chloe and I went for a walk. The stars were coming out and she told me to make a wish, I wished "God please just let me live till they are old enough to be out on their own and have families to love them and help them." Chloe says, "I wished for a unicorn." And I laughed, oh to be a kid and believe in unicorns and chase fairytales. And I thought that there couldn't be a better comparison to where the two of us are in life. I am wishing to be here for her as long as she needs me and she is wishing for a mystical creature.

So, here it is, on that day when I found out I had melanoma and I thought seriously why? I just need something good, some good news. And I went to a bible study and I heard that I just have to keep getting back up. And I went outside to go pick my daughter up from counseling and there was a full double rainbow across the sky I just stood there with tears streaming down my face. I said, "Okay God. I know you have got this. I will keep getting back up."

And that wasn't the last time I got knocked down since then and I am sure there are still many more to come. But what I believe firmly is that God is good. I believe that he isn't punishing me or trying to teach me a lesson. My life isn't hard because I have turned away from God. My life is hard because life is hard and all of us at some point will experience a loss or a terrifying illness. But if we will lean in to God, no matter the circumstances, he will carry us. I have been doing a bible study about suffering and sovereignty by First 5.  This is one of my favorite quotes,

"This matters because if blessing isn’t about us, then suffering isn’t either. For the people of God, suffering has a higher purpose than how it impacts our lives. Suffering reveals something about God to the world. Job didn’t suffer perfectly, but he did suffer well. When we suffer well it is evidence that God is more valuable and trustworthy than wealth, health and even family."

The Lord gave and Lord has taken away. Let the name of the Lord be praised.  Job 1:21

I cannot believe the blessings and healing are in God's plan, if I don't also believe that loss and pain are part of it too. Job understood that both trouble and good are part of the package. If you are dealing with grief, hurt, illness, divorce or any form of loss, understand that when we are at our lowest, he is there. Some people find it significant that I can praise God after what I have been through and continue to deal with (I have three daughters, THREE and two of them are teenagers). But I find it more significant that I cannot imagine doing it any other way. My hope is found in nothing less Jesus' love and righteousness.