Happy 7th trip around the sun my girl. I am sorry your Dad isn't here to celebrate with you.
I have become somewhat used now to putting down my thoughts in writing one way or the other, but the last week has not provided many opportunities. My brain sort of feels like it is full to bursting. I woke up early this morning at 5:42AM. For anyone who knows me, this is not normal. I do not wake up on my own early and I could pretty much go back to sleep immediately no matter what time of the day it is. I like sleep.
So, today is the celebration of the 7th year of Chloe being my daughter. I have been thinking about her this morning and the place she holds in our family. She is the youngest, the surprise, my sunshine. I cried for two hours when I found out I was pregnant with her. Not that she wasn't wanted but I just couldn't fathom the idea of starting over with a baby. She is the reason we still have dolls and barbies in the house. She is full of life and energy. She is a good reminder that I like her sisters and that they too used to be sweet and funny (insert attitude, hormones and eye rolls).
She could make her Dad smile like no one else could. He just found her so charming and she is. She is a feeler to beat all feelers. And she is also a thinker that girl can say the most disarming comments. I have had different thoughts over the last six months about the girls and how they are dealing with the loss of their Dad.
From the start I was of course worried about Chloe, but not in the way I worried about the other two. I was worried she would forget him. She was only six and I know I don't have a lot of real clear memories of people from when I was six. A lot of people worried that she wouldn't get it. Can a six year old understand that her Dad is dead? Can she really comprehend not seeing him again and all that it entails?
I didn't think about her fear or about how much she would miss him.
Chloe had a grasp on Justin being gone from moment I said out loud, "Your Dad is dead." Some of her greatest hits have included conversations like:
"Mom, what does permanently mean?" I answer, "Well, if you attach something to something else permanently, it is there forever." She says, "Oh, like Daddy is dead permanently." Me, "uuuuuhhhh.... yeah like that."
"Mom, what would happen if there was a girl and she was home by herself, and both her parents were in a truck and the truck rolled over a bunch of times and they both died? What would happen to that girl?"
I answer (after sucking in my breathe and finding it again), "Well.... what do you think would happen to her?" Chloe after thinking, "maybe her sisters could take care of her?"
Me, "Well, that would only work if they were adults. What if she and her sisters went and lived with some other family members?" Chloe, "hmm.... what if those family members lived really far away?" I said to her, "That would be hard wouldn't it? They would have to leave their house, friends and school. But... they could live with their cousins." Chloe, ".... Okay!"
She is a thinker that girl. She amazes me with her insight and her honest raw thoughts and feelings about her Dad. She knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loved her. She misses his silliness and that he would tickle her. Her age gives her the advantage of not being afraid to express what she thinks or feels. She can be so blunt and honest with her thoughts that it takes my breathe away. Sometimes I wish we could all be this honest. I wish we all had the freedom to think through and sort out how we feel about loss and love.
As we get older we learn not to say things out loud because they make people feel uncomfortable. Chloe isn't held back by these conventions. She is sad, she says she is sad. She wishes her Dad were here to read her a book and tickle her and she expresses this. Sydney and Macy never asked me what would happen if I died too. But once Chloe asked, I realized I needed to tell them so they weren't worrying about it.
BTW, public service announcement; if you haven't thought about or made plans for your children in case you were no longer there, do it today. If I had been in that truck with Justin, I think that his parents and brothers would have known what our desires were, but they were not made legal until August, when I signed my trust papers. You don't actually have as much time as you think you do.
Chloe has also realized that losing her Dad gets her special privileges some times. When she is emotional or in trouble she will pull out an, "I miss Dada." And I cannot help but wonder if it is authentic or manipulation or both.
But on this day, I think about what a special girl she is. I knew from the beginning that God had plans that I didn't understand with her. And I think that she is an extra special gift. Her oldest sister will leave me in three and half years to go to college and Macy will follow two short years later. Chloe will be with me for the next 11 1/2 years and I find that comforting and exhausting at the same time. She is my baby girl, my peanut and I pray daily that God will comfort her anxiety about losing me. I pray that she will be used in great ways to make this world a better place. And that all of the wounds from losing her Dad at the age of six will be healed.
She could make her Dad smile like no one else could. He just found her so charming and she is. She is a feeler to beat all feelers. And she is also a thinker that girl can say the most disarming comments. I have had different thoughts over the last six months about the girls and how they are dealing with the loss of their Dad.
From the start I was of course worried about Chloe, but not in the way I worried about the other two. I was worried she would forget him. She was only six and I know I don't have a lot of real clear memories of people from when I was six. A lot of people worried that she wouldn't get it. Can a six year old understand that her Dad is dead? Can she really comprehend not seeing him again and all that it entails?
I didn't think about her fear or about how much she would miss him.
Chloe had a grasp on Justin being gone from moment I said out loud, "Your Dad is dead." Some of her greatest hits have included conversations like:
"Mom, what does permanently mean?" I answer, "Well, if you attach something to something else permanently, it is there forever." She says, "Oh, like Daddy is dead permanently." Me, "uuuuuhhhh.... yeah like that."
"Mom, what would happen if there was a girl and she was home by herself, and both her parents were in a truck and the truck rolled over a bunch of times and they both died? What would happen to that girl?"
I answer (after sucking in my breathe and finding it again), "Well.... what do you think would happen to her?" Chloe after thinking, "maybe her sisters could take care of her?"
Me, "Well, that would only work if they were adults. What if she and her sisters went and lived with some other family members?" Chloe, "hmm.... what if those family members lived really far away?" I said to her, "That would be hard wouldn't it? They would have to leave their house, friends and school. But... they could live with their cousins." Chloe, ".... Okay!"
As we get older we learn not to say things out loud because they make people feel uncomfortable. Chloe isn't held back by these conventions. She is sad, she says she is sad. She wishes her Dad were here to read her a book and tickle her and she expresses this. Sydney and Macy never asked me what would happen if I died too. But once Chloe asked, I realized I needed to tell them so they weren't worrying about it.
BTW, public service announcement; if you haven't thought about or made plans for your children in case you were no longer there, do it today. If I had been in that truck with Justin, I think that his parents and brothers would have known what our desires were, but they were not made legal until August, when I signed my trust papers. You don't actually have as much time as you think you do.
Chloe has also realized that losing her Dad gets her special privileges some times. When she is emotional or in trouble she will pull out an, "I miss Dada." And I cannot help but wonder if it is authentic or manipulation or both.
But on this day, I think about what a special girl she is. I knew from the beginning that God had plans that I didn't understand with her. And I think that she is an extra special gift. Her oldest sister will leave me in three and half years to go to college and Macy will follow two short years later. Chloe will be with me for the next 11 1/2 years and I find that comforting and exhausting at the same time. She is my baby girl, my peanut and I pray daily that God will comfort her anxiety about losing me. I pray that she will be used in great ways to make this world a better place. And that all of the wounds from losing her Dad at the age of six will be healed.
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