Firsts... First Christmas without Him

I have been trying to find the words to describe how I feel today about this first. We have had a lot of firsts in the last six months. Wednesday will be six months since Justin died in accident while we were in Kansas. The first tradition was hard; going to the fair and rodeo without him. Then back to school, the apple orchard, pumpkin patch, first time to Colorado without him, etc. Thanksgiving was odd; it felt all day like he might walk in at any moment. Of course, I knew he wasn't going to, but it just felt like he was late or something. He should be there.

Christmas feels bigger. I don't know if it actually is, but it feels that way. Christmas is family time. It is a time to reflect on the year, all the blessing, hardships and craziness. It is a time to spend with the people you love most in this world. This year we don't get to spend it with one of the people we love the most.

As I sit here by myself waiting for the girls to go to bed so I can get the presents out and put them under the tree, I am thinking about how it used to be. I am thinking about what we have lost and what we have gained. Losing Justin has been horrible. It has been surreal and exhausting and stressful and emotional. It has been scary and heartbreaking and life changing. The life changing part is what I am thankful that we have gained. I will never look at anything the same again.

Grief has changed me.

It has taught me the hard way, not to take anything for granted.
It has taught me to slow down.
It has taught me that I can do hard things and just when I think I have had enough I learn that I can handle more.
It has taught me that not everything is a lesson. Sometime bad stuff just happens.
It has taught me to cherish all of the times we get to have fun and laugh.
It has taught me that paychecks and fancy titles and self importance are not important.

So, as I sit here by myself. I am learning to appreciate alone time more.
I am hoping that tomorrow will be a fun time for our family of four. That we will make new memories and remember the old. And that the girls will remember that what is important is not what is under the tree but what is in our hearts.

Also, I totally bought too much stuff this year. Because stuff will make everything better. Whatever, I can spoil them once.

May your Christmas be filled with new beginnings and may the love of God through his son bless you. If you have lost someone and are missing them this Christmas I hope that you can remember all the good times with them in the past. I also hope that you can look forward and learn to appreciate what your new future looks like without them. May this Christmas bring peace and healing.